Never Think
by EternalCorruption
Summary: Alternate on Breaking Dawn. Bella and Edward tell Charlie of their engagment, and he acts less than mature. When Edward is sure that Jacob really would be best for Bella, he takes off yet again. Twists and turns. Poor summary. R&R!
1. The Trick Is To Keep Breathing

**Author's Note:** I know a lot of people didn't like BD, and I wanted to throw my own spin on a couple of things. Let's forget about any wedding happenings or details in Eclipse, such as Billy and Jacob receiving their wedding invitation and Jacob running away. This is another take in BD, some silly thing drawn up in my own head, and hopefully you'll like it. Sorry this chapter isn't terribly original, but it's needed to get the story along. Thanks.

Chapter 1  
"The Trick is To Keep Breathing"

My heart thudded loudly in my chest. I could feel it, pressing heavily against my rip cage, threatening to explode and leave me dead, a lifeless lump of cold flesh on the soggy ground. Why did I have to go through this? Couldn't Edward leave it be? Maybe we could, _should_ simply elope, run away together to some scanty wedding chapel in Vegas like Charlie and Renee managed when they were together – albeit briefly. They'd never have to know, and I wouldn't have to go through this. Not here, not now.

Edward eyed me cautiously from his peripheral vision. He could feel my tense posture, the hammering in my chest. I fought to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat.

Marriage is such a big step. A _huge_ step, really. And while I know, I absolutely _know_ that I want to spend every minute of every waking day by Edward's side, the simple thought of admitting this to Charlie made me cringe. I can't do it. And Jacob… My heart ached.

"What are you thinking?" Edward asked me. His eyebrows were knitted together, more concern. It radiated off of him like the cold from his skin. I forced what little smile I could.

"Oh, nothing," I lied, regretting it almost instantly, knowing that he could see right through any façade I put up. "…Actually, I'm thinking that we should just elope. Let's go to Vegas! And nobody has to know."

He smiled his crooked smile. "You'd do that to Alice?" He squeezed my hand, the cold of his touch oddly comforting. I leaned my head against his shoulder and sighed. He was right, trying to back me in between a rock and a hard place. There wasn't any getting out of this. Not that I could see, at least.

In all my years – all 18 of them, gloriously short compared to the lifetime that Edward has lived, all under the shadow of his secret, the secret of being a Vampire – I never imagined myself walking down the isle. Not the way that most girls think of it, how they see it. The perfect painting of a foufy white dress, flowers, hair and make-up and men in tuxedos – it just never came to me like that. Maybe it was some subconscious thinking, my way of hiding from the absence of married parents, but I doubted it. I was fine with my parents being divorced – they simply didn't belong together, and you can't force love. Just like I couldn't force the magnets together… for long, at least.

But I could see it now, see the painting Alice was trying to compose for me, though still hiding most aspects. She'd purchased me a wedding dress already and while it was completely beautiful, it still had my nerves tightly balled in my stomach. A wedding, marriage… me? It just didn't seem like it fit together quite right. But Edward and I? We fit together perfectly. It didn't matter that we were worlds different – not in the sense that we knew nothing about one another, but because we are different. I'm human, a frail and breakable human. Edward… he's a vampire. A beautiful, perfect, untouchable vampire. A lion who fell in love with a lamb.

I knew from the very first moment I set eyes on him and his family, all alike in their milky, icy cold complexions and topaz eyes, that they were different somehow. But they didn't frighten me, not at all. In fact, I _wanted_ to be closer to them. Well, not all of _them._ Just _him_ mostly. I loved Edward from the get-go, though I might not have admitted it entirely.

And just like that, we were together. Well, not just like that. There were sketchy times, some trial periods. Edward had to save my life, not once, but more than a handful of times. He saved me from being crushed to death by a car, saved me from a sick, sadistic vampire hell bent on my blood. He was the hunter, and I was the hunted. But I was still alive, somehow. I was still alive, thanks to Edward and his family. A family of vampires.

But they weren't bad vampires. Not at all, in fact, they called themselves Vegetarians – a little inside joke that I was well aware of. While it's true that vampires drink blood to survive, they don't have to drink _human_ blood. That's why they called themselves vegetarians. They chose to drink the blood of animals rather than to take the life of humans, whether they deserved it or not. They were the good among the bad, soulful creatures intent on making the world a better place, somehow.

And I loved them. I loved them all, especially Edward's "sister," Alice, who was my best friend. And she was the devious mastermind behind the huge wedding celebration for Edward and I, the reason why we couldn't just leave today and jump a plane to Vegas. She was the reason I was stuck in between that rock and hard place.

We were sitting on the soft in Charlie's house, the small two-bedroom place he'd purchased with my mother when they were first married. I didn't want to imagine the look on his face when I told him what was going on, that Edward and I were going to be _married._ The simple thought of his anger washed over me and spread like ice water over my limbs. This wasn't going to be pleasant.

"What are you thinking about? Honestly, now. It's killing me." Edward stared at me, his amber gold eyes deep with concern. He couldn't read my mind like others, and it annoyed him greatly. Sometimes it annoyed me, too. It'd be so much easier if he could pick my thoughts and feelings out of my head, rather than having me express them. I was a lot like Charlie – quiet, keeping mostly to myself. That is, until I met Edward. He brought so much out of me, so much good. I could talk to him, but it was still difficult at times.

And not to mention, I didn't want to hurt his feelings by expressing my fear. But there was something he had to understand. My father wasn't going to take this well at all.

Or maybe he already understood that. I wouldn't doubt it, seeing as how his sister, Alice, could pull the scenario out of the air with her ability to see into the future. Although her visions were not 100% set in stone – things change, and so did the future – I wasn't willing, and neither was anyone else for that matter, to bet against Alice.

The antique ring on my finger, my gift from Edward that had once belonged to his mother all but a century ago, weighed on my hand like a bag of bricks. I fidgeted, unsure of myself. I wasn't unsure about my decision. I love Edward. Every fiber of my being loves Edward. I just didn't know what to say.

"I just… I don't know," I said, frowning. I could feel my eyebrows pulled together, the pucker of flesh in between them. "I'm worried."

"We're doing this backwards, I'll admit. I should've asked Charlie beforehand instead of springing this on him. But… I think, in all honesty, that it'll be easier this way. He can't reject me if you've already made up your mind, and he knows that."

The sound of tires against the brick driveway thudded in my ears. A blank whirring sound came from the cruiser as Charlie pulled up to the house, and it seemed like the world was standing still.

My throat went dry, numb. I couldn't swallow. I began to shake, my hands twitching anxiously on my lap. Edward grabbed my hands and rubbed them, trying to make me warmer, to calm me down. But he had no body heat to speak of.

"Calm down, Bella. Breathe. Relax."

The car door slammed shut. I could hear Charlie's heavy footfall on the cement path that led up to the front door of the small house we lived in. He knew Edward was here – the shiny silver Volvo parked in front of the house was a dead indicator of his presence – and I was sure he wasn't too happy about it. Charlie was upset with Edward after he and his family left me, and I kind-of lost my mind until he came back. He treated him poorly ever since.

Edward squeezed my hands, a kind of reassurance. I licked my lips, preparing myself. The front door swung open, and Charlie thumped inside.

"Charlie, could we speak with you for a moment?" Edward called out to my father and Charlie, still dressed in his police uniform, his boots wet from the rain-sodden ground, turned towards us. He walked into the living room, eyeing us skeptically.

I could feel my heart going haywire, my palms becoming slick and clammy. "Dad…"

"Bella?" he asked, placing himself, not gently, in the worn chair he favored. "What's going on?"

He didn't notice the ring. My head started to pound.

"Dad… we're… Edward and I, we want your blessing, Dad." I wasn't sure that I was actually breathing. My chest hurt so bad. "We want to get married."

I watched as his face reddened, an unsaid anger boiling under the surface. "…What?" His eyes darted from me, to Edward, and down to our hands. It was then that he noticed the shiny ring on my finger. His face went from red to white as a sheet. Was that sweat beading on his forehead?

"Charlie, I love Bella. I love her more than anything in this world, and I want to be with her for the rest of my existence. If I didn't have her, I'd have nothing, Charlie. And for some reason, Bella feels the same about me. Maybe we did this wrong. It would've been the gentlemanly thing to step aside with you and ask you for her hand, but we've already known, like an unspoken promise, that we were meant to be together. We're asking you now for your blessing."

Charlie's lips had gone white. His hands were starting to tremble and shake. There was a fury in his eyes like none I had ever experience before, and my stomach knotted. This was not going well.

"I don't like this. I don't like this at all." Charlie was finally speaking, his voice low and aggravated. "You two are too young for this! You've got your whole lives ahead of you. I know from experience that young love rarely works out! Why would you want to go through something like that, Bella?"

"Dad!" I said, though not unkindly. I knew what he was saying, I understood. Charlie and Renee rushed headfirst into an unfit marriage. They weren't entirely right for one another, but he wasn't over her to this very day, even after she broke his heart and left with me when I was only a few months old. I understood his pain, and I felt for him. He was trying to protect me.

Edward shook his head. I knew he could read my father's head, but didn't dare say anything of his thoughts aloud. It was a secret that only I knew. Except for a few others. _Jacob._ My heart ached.

"Listen, Charlie. We understand what you're saying, and we know that we're young and that we're taking a risk, but it's a risk we _have _to take."

"What about Jacob, Bella?" Charlie stared at me with wide eyes, eyes so much like my own. That name spoken out loud stole the air from my lungs that were already starved from my hyperventilating. "I thought you liked Jacob, Bella. Have you _really_ thought this through?" He was ignoring Edward now.

I could feel the soft rumbling in Edward's chest and knew that he was upset, annoyed. My relationship with Jacob was complicated, difficult, and thinking of him made my heart shatter. I love Jacob, but not the same way that I love Edward. Charlie bringing it up hurt me, like a slap to the face.

"It's not the same, Dad. Please. Please understand. I _want _to be with Edward."

He sniffed. Edward squeezed my hands tighter. His body was stiff, his back ramrod straight beside me.

Charlie's eyes raked over Edward, taking in his face, the sincerity with an undertone of hurt in his eyes. Bringing up Jacob was a low blow. "You're throwing away your life, Bella."

"I'm not!" I protested. Was I, though? Would I honestly be throwing my life away by marrying Edward, my soul mate, my one reason for being alive. He'd saved me in more ways than one. He'd saved my life, protected me from harm, even when it came from my own two feet. And he also saved my soul. He _loved_ me. Edward Cullen loved me, and I loved him back.

But I also loved Jacob Black, my best friend, the reason I was able to keep some shred of myself after Edward had ripped himself away from me, trying to protect me from what he considered his own monstrosity, the curse he was forced to live with with being a Vampire. I didn't care about that. None of it.

"We're going to get married, Dad, with or without your blessing. But I want it, Charlie. I want you to be the one to walk me down the isle. I love you, Dad. Please… please just listen and try to understand." Could he read my eyes, the messages I was trying to convey to him?

He huffed impatiently and brought himself to stand. "You're throwing your life away, Bella. At least Jacob never hurt you, not like Edward has. I've kept quiet about it for your sake, but I guess now's a good of time as any to bring that up. I don't think you two are a wise match, but if it means keeping you in my life, Bella, I suppose I have to accept it. I don't have to like it, though, so don't expect me to be teary eyed and sobbing at your wedding."

I just nodded, biting back the bile that threatened to spill from my mouth. I knew he wouldn't take it well, I just _knew _it. Edward squeezed my hands a little harder.

"I won't let you down, Charlie," he said, his voice soft and kind, despite the anger and rudeness my father had just thrown at him. "I'll always take care of Bella."

My father huffed again and stomped out of the room without another word. And I laid my head on Edward's shoulder and sobbed.


	2. What Hurts The Most

Disclaimer: I don't own the Twilight saga, any of its characters. Anything you don't recognize is mine.

**Chapter 2**  
"What Hurts The Most"

I cried until my eyes ran dry of tears. Edward carried me out of the house, set me gently into the Volvo, and we sped off towards his house. I didn't mind the speed, completely wrapped up in my own guilt and heartache. I knew Charlie would be mad, angry even, but I didn't expect the flat out hostility. His words burned through me, drilling yet another hole in my swiss-cheese heart. And I still hadn't told my mother yet. _That _one I was more terrified of.

Edward was quiet, letting me stew in my silence. I caught him stealing glances at me from the sid*

/es of his eyes. His lips were set into a thin, hard line, and he was frowning. I knew he was upset, angry at Charlie for upsetting me, and upset at himself for putting me in such a situation. I knew he was beating himself up, just as I was, and I wanted to comfort him, reach out and stroke his hand, his arm, his face. Anything. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just didn't feel right.

Maybe Edward saw something in Charlie's words as being true. I know how he felt about changing me, about making me one of his own, a vampire. Alice had seen it in a vision, one of two outcomes for my life; death, or being turned. That was before Jacob Black had come into my life. Now I wasn't sure what she saw. Edward's face was set and I could sense that he wasn't going to let go of his anger any time soon. So I let him have his quiet, too.

I knew Edward's inner conflict – it was what had taken away from me before, when the first hole appeared in my chest, the first piece of the puzzle chipped away to leave me broken and lost. He knew that being around me meant sacrifice, on both of our parts. His sacrifice – he risked the exposure of his family, of his kind, by involving me in his life. He tempted fate with every single moment he spent with me. My blood sang for him, made his mouth water. If he lost control for one second, one single second, my life could be over, lost forever. And if he killed me, he would never forgive himself. He'd find a way to die. And I couldn't live with the thought of Edward dying.

And my sacrifice? At some point, I would be handing over my mortality. I've never seen it as a death sentence, as some sort of finality. Actually, I saw it as a beginning – the beginning of forever, as it were. I would be immortal, and I would be Edward's wife, and we would live happily ever after.

Edward had to change me, or at the very least, I had to be changed, turned into a vampire. And the only way to do that was to be injected with venom, the venom of a vampire's teeth, and to succumb to the fiery change of death. I had to change because if I didn't, the Volturi would find us and kill us all.+

And the Volturi isn't exactly a group you wanted to make angry.

I shuddered at the memories of the Volturi, the ones I held in my head that sometimes kept me awake at night. I saw them, the eerie crimson glow of their eyes. They weren't "vegetarians" like Edward's family, but rather, glutted on the blood of innocent humans. They knew I knew their secret, about the hidden vampire world, and this upset them. So they gave Edward the ultimatum. Either I die or I join them.

So what else was there to do?

Edward's condition on changing me (oh, how I want him to be the one to change me, his venom coursing through my veins) was that we be married first. The one condition he knew I'd have trouble dealing with was the one I had to suffer through. That's exactly why he chose it. He wanted me to stay human just a little while longer.

He turned onto the nearly hidden drive that would lead up to the Cullen residence, taking the turn slower than normal. When we were halfway down the drive, he stopped the car, put it in park, and shifted to look at me. His eyes were wild, full of emotion and thought.

"Charlie really upset you, didn't he?" he asked me, taking my hand in his. I bit my lip and nodded, trying not to stare him in the face. I didn't want to be dazzled. Fresh tears threatened to flow. I held them back as best as I could.

"I don't know why I'm so upset. I knew he'd be angry. I just…" I trailed off, my voice barely a whisper, but I knew he could hear me.

"Bella, look at me." His hand cupped beneath my chin and forced me to look him in the eyes. "Maybe we _should _wait. If this has upset you so badly, it only makes sense. I don't want you to rush into anything that you'll regret, and I know you'll regret hurting your father. And I'm not going to marry you if you aren't certain that this is what you want. I won't force you like that."

I gave him a sad, small smile. It was the best I could manage. "Edward. I love you, and no matter what Charlie says, it doesn't change that. I'm just a little upset, that's all. He'll cool down and I won't be as angry. We just caught him by surprise, that's all." Was that all? I couldn't read Charlie's mind like Edward could, but I felt almost certain that I could be right. We'd just taken him by surprise.

He sighed and put the car back into drive and went down the driveway once more. He parked next to the house instead of pulling into the garage, knowing that he would have to take me home later. Or perhaps I would stay over, fein a slumber party with Alice and Rosalie. Charlie would know better, though. Or would he?

Maybe I didn't give my father enough credit.

Edward opened up my door and helped me out of the car. I didn't trust myself to walk without tripping to my death, to chancing to break another bone, and Edward stood beside me, his hand gently holding my elbow to steady my movements. I hate being a clutz.

Alice was waiting for us when we walked through the door, her face a mask of sadness. She ignored her brother and walked straight towards me and wrapped her thin, graceful arms around my waist, giving me a tight yet careful hug. She'd seen my Charlie's reaction, there was no doubt, and a wave of fresh guilt washed over me.

I was hurting them through Charlie's reactions. They didn't want me anymore.

I couldn't say that I blamed them. But my stomach knotted, just the same. My world was starting to crash and burn, a fiery plane wreckage, and I suddenly started to wish that Edward had just let that stupid van squish me. But we both know that never would've happened. Love at first sight, remember?

But I suddenly felt hollow, empty. Like someone took an ice cream scoop and removed everything inside of me. And it just didn't sit right with my stomach.

I took a couple of deep breaths, aware of Edward's eyes on me, and I knew, just knew that he wished he could read my mind. I turned around and wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him close to me, burying my face into his stony chest. I breathed in his scent – so beautiful, so sweet. I didn't want to let him go. They may not want me anymore, but I wasn't going to leave without a fight!

I've had my share of pain. The pain of having to come to Forks at intervals throughout my life while growing up, and the hate that came along with it. Having to leave Phoenix and the beautiful sunshine and my life sentence to Forks. But none of that seemed so bad as to loose Edward again. I couldn't, I wouldn't. Nothing in this world could take him away from me, not even my father's disparaging words. I wouldn't let this come between us, not now. Not after everything we'd been through together.

And maybe that's why Alice had that sad look in her eye. Because she knew how I felt, the pain it caused me to say that I would say goodbye to my father if it came to that. Because Edward was my life. Edward is my everything.

But Jacob… My mind still wandered to him every now and then, and I couldn't help it. Jacob was a part of me, just as Edward was. I knew that Edward had no more ill will towards him, not after he helped me out that night in the mountains, saving me from promised frostbite and hypothermia. In some way, Edward felt as though he owed Jacob. And I couldn't necessarily disagree.

But I didn't need Jacob. I could say my goodbyes to Jacob, and that would be the end of it. No more tension, no more regret, no more second guessing. I could say bye to him and mean it, and I'd live my life as I see fit, instead of trying to please all the people around me all the time.

It tears me up, not being able to please everyone, not being able to make decisions for fear of hurting the other people involved. I feel so weak inside, weak and vulnerable and human. But I wouldn't be human for long. I will marry Edward, and then I'll become a vampire, the newest addition to the Cullen clan, the Cullen coven. But that would also put my new family in harm's way.

Becoming a vampire meant breaking the treaty with the Quileute tribe, and then we would have to pack up and leave Forks. Leave Charlie.

Maybe that was really what was going on in Charlie's head, the fear of losing me like he'd lost my mother. I would never leave him like that, though my mother left because she was no longer in love, could no longer stand being in a loveless relationship. It wasn't like that with Edward and I. We were meant to be together. Soul mates. Eternal loves.

Edward picked me up and carried me to the soft white sofa set in the middle of the spacious, open living room. Esme was standing behind it, her face washed with concern. I smiled at her as best as I could, my fingers rubbing on Edward's arms. He was so solid, so unwavering beneath me. And I loved him all the more for it.

"Bella," Edward said, his voice husky with the emotion I knew was swirling around in his head. What were the others thinking of me, being so weak and frail and… _human?_ Did they think any less of me. I suddenly felt embarrassed, and I knew color was coming to my cheeks. I was blushing. "Bella, please. What's going on in that head of yours?"

I gave him a smile, best as I could manage. "It's… it's nothing to worry about," I assured him, reassuring myself in the process. "I was just telling myself that Charlie will get comfortable with it as time passes, really. I'm sorry I cried about it. I was just a little upset, that's all. No blood, no foul," I said, quoting him.

He smiled a sad little version of his crooked smile. "Is that it? I think you're holding out on me."

"I was thinking about Jacob, too," I admitted. Edward's eyes looked a little sadder, and I could see the corners of his mouth drop; it was the most minute of movements, but I saw it nonetheless. Was he jealous? Upset? Or had Charlie's words really stung him?

"Oh." Maybe.

"I'll say goodbye to him, Edward. I'll say goodbye to him and that'll be that." No more heartache, well, not on the surface at least. Pieces of me would always ache for Jacob, for that other love in my life, though it couldn't impossibly match up to what I felt for Edward.

He sighed, setting me on my feet instead of on the couch. We were facing each other, his face staring down at me, his eyes giving me the full effect. My breath caught in my throat, as it had so many times before. He was just so _perfect_, so beautiful it could take the wind from my lungs. It just didn't seem fair.

"We're not doing this, Bella. I'm not putting you through this. You deserve so much better, and it doesn't seem like you're ready. Charlie showed me that. You're not ready to let go."

"I am, though!" I protested, knowing full well in my heart that I could let go – if I had to. I didn't want to, though. "I don't think I want to talk about it anymore, Edward. Can we just… be together? Can I stay here tonight? I don't want to go home."

Esme smiled at me from behind the sofa again. "Of course you can, Bella. You know you don't have to ask."

It was polite, all the same.

Edward frowned down at me and he must've decided to give it a rest, because he smiled a dazzling white smile at me. "What should we do?" he asked, and I shrugged.

"Alright, then. We'll figure out something."


	3. Stockholm Syndrome

**Chapter 3  
**"Stockholm Syndrome"

I pulled up the curb in front of Charlie's house – my house, sad that the night was over and that I had to return to the human world. For all I was concerned, I was already a vampire, and pretending to not be one just got on my nerves. I don't think anyone but me really understood that part.

My truck groaned and whined, clearly on its last leg of life. I frowned. Maybe I should call Jacob and have him come take a look; he'd worked on my truck so often, before it was even mine. Surely he would know what he was doing.

But was that really the best idea? Should I be spending time with another man, when technically, I was engaged to be married? Never mind that I didn't know exactly on what day it would be, not until all of the kinks were worked out, and not until after I'd told my mom about the "good news." Oh, delightful. I couldn't wait. Actually, I could, and I was putting it off as much as I could, especially after Charlie's outburst yesterday.

It really hurt me to see him that angry and upset. But what could I do about it? Brooding over it couldn't help the situation any, so why bring myself down with negativities?

At least, that's what Alice told me last night. She was so comforting, her and Esme, my friends, my family. They sat up with me, talking while Edward was distracted elsewhere, listening to our conversation from afar, no doubt. They made me feel comfortable and mostly, they made me feel wanted. They accepted my tears and let me cry unashamed. I love them.

I threw the truck in park and it idled loudly until I turned it off. I climbed out and slammed the door shut, stomping up to the front door. The house key was in its usual place, under the eave. I took it out and unlocked the door. Charlie was gone to work. I had the house to myself, and reveled in the aloneness.

The house was silent and empty, the way I liked it best. I hung up my jacket and took off my shoes. There really wasn't a reason to wear them around inside.

I walked into the kitchen and sifted through the contents of the fridge. It was practically empty. Maybe I should go on a grocery run later, fix Charlie a nice supper and hopefully cheer him up. Men's moods were often attributed to whether or not they were hungry.

I sighed and shut the fridge door, not wanting to think about anything for too long. All that mattered now was figuring out how I would tell Renee that I was going to get married.

Was I really being silly, scared out of my mind at what my hare-brained, eccentric mother would say at my choice of marrying at 18? Yes, yes I was. Because even though she was more like a sister to me than a mother sometimes, I still loved her unconditionally and respected her opinion.

But my mind was already set, I was already clear on the path that I'm taking. I'm marrying Edward. Case closed.

But… Ugh, the nagging in the back of my head refused to give me peace.

I stared at the phone, and wondered. I wanted to call Jacob, a reason to hear his voice, a way to say goodbye. Maybe. Just a chance to hang around like before, when the only complication was my own selfish dependency. Not much had changed, really.

It couldn't hurt, could it? Giving him a call, asking him to come over – just to look at the truck, of course. To see if he could help me fix it, somehow. And I'd pay him, of course I would. I don't ask for hand outs. But I knew that he'd never accept any kind of payment from me… not unless it was something silly, like a kiss on the cheek, or a tight bear hug. That would be his idea of payment enough. But I wasn't sure I could even give him that.

It felt wrong, on more than one level. But I wanted the closeness just the same.

I picked up the receiver of the phone and dialed his number. I jumped when a voice answered the phone on just one ring.

"Hello?" The voice was groggy, full of sleep and a little irate. It was Jacob, and I had woken him up.

"Jacob?"

"…Bella?" He chewed over my name, and I could hear the curiosity in his voice. He knew that Edward asked me to marry him, and it had cut him to the core. And I was being so selfish to have him in my life. But that really did need to change. I wasn't strong enough to make it happen.

"Hey, Jake," I said, trying to sound positive and airy. It kinda worked, I figured. "I, uh…"

"Your leech let you off the hook? You're actually allowed to give me a call?"

I glared into the phone. "I don't need his permission for anything, Jacob. He's at home, and Charlie's at work, and I'm here alone and my truck was acting up, so I thought I'd call you."

"Oh." He sounded a little disappointed. I was breaking his heart into little pieces; I could see it all very clearly in my head. "So what? You just call me when you need something? Isn't that a little petty?"

"No. I didn't think of it like that," I mumbled, feeling a little embarrassed. My cheeks displayed my emotions. "I'm sorry. I guess I'll just ask Rosalie. I'm sorry, Jacob."

My finger twitched near the 'end' button, so ready to hang up and be done with the conversation that was proving to go no where. But I couldn't. I wanted to wait to see if he said anything more, anything else. His voice was like spiked cider – you never realize how addicting it is until you've accidently drunk four cupfuls and you're feeling a little loopy. I needed to feel a little loopy.

"Wait, Bella." He hesitated, and I could hear his labored breathing on the other end. "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't be rude to you. It's not your fault. At least, I don't figure how it could be. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. Man, I'm tired. I'm not making any sense right now."

"No, no, you're fine, Jake."

"What's that about the truck? What's wrong with it? I thought that thing was indestructible. Wait, nevermind," he added as an afterthought. "You're driving it. I forgot. Something's bound to go wrong at some point. I'm surprised it took this long."

I huffed, getting a little miffed. I knew he was playing, but it still wasn't fair, and I didn't have to sit and take it. But I would. "Why are you tired?"

"I don't know. I just can't sleep."

"Oh." Part of me knew why. He couldn't sleep because of me. Selfish Bella Swan. It had a ring to it.

"Do you want me to come over and take a look at it, for real?" His voice seemed cautiously optimistic, like I was dangling a carrot in front of him, and he were nothing more than a hungry rabbit. I wanted to punch him on the shoulder, but I knew better than that. It hadn't worked out so great last time I'd tried.

My mouth felt dry. "Yes, if you don't mind. Maybe we could… I need to go to the Thriftway."

"Okay. Give me half an hour." He hung the phone up, and I listened until I heard the dial tone. Then I sat the receiver down and went upstairs to clean up.

I grabbed my cosmetic bag, picked out an outfit – jeans and a shirt, like usual – and headed to the shower. I waited while the water heated up, and climbed in, letting the heat knead out the thick knots of stress in my back. Life was so difficult. I felt sure that vampire life would be somehow easier.

I washed up and climbed out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my wet hair while I brushed my teeth. Then I combed my hair and pulled it into a lackluster pony tail. There really wasn't a reason to get all dressed up. Jacob and I were going to look at my truck, after all. And I could be myself around Jacob and not worry about people would think when I was with him. We were normal – well, kind-of. Jacob scared people now and again. He _was_ rather menacing looking.

I started downstairs when I heard the knock, and I knew that he wouldn't wait outside for me to answer the door – the knock was simply courtesy. He opened the door and let himself it; I realized that I'd left it unlocked. What would Edward say if he knew? He'd probably be disapproving, as always.

Jacob looked stared at me, his eyes a collage of emotions, of pain and hope, of anger and more pain. And I was causing him more and more pain, just by trying to stay in contact with him, all because it hurt me to think that it would hurt him to let him go.

So complicated. Why couldn't I be more shallow, like Rosalie? Or more assertive in my decisions, like Emmett? I sighed at my internal battle and gave Jacob an endearing smile.

"You ready?" he asked. I nodded, slipping into my coat and boots. He grabbed the key to the truck from my hand and led the way back out the door. I stopped to lock it behind me.

I trudged through across the yard, following Jacob's footprints in the soggy earth, and moved towards my poor old truck. I really wasn't ready for it to die, not yet. It would be like losing another friend in a time that was already way too hectic for me to stand. I might flip a lid.

It might just grate another hole into my broken heart.

Jacob popped the hood open and stared down at the engine, his hands ganking on something here and there, though I didn't have a clue what it was exactly he was doing. He seemed to know, though, so I let him do his work in peace. It wasn't until he frowned at me that I became truly worried.

"It's an old timer, Bells. I don't know what to tell you."

My heart skipped a couple of beats. "No! Don't tell me that."

He shut the hood with a loud clank. "It needs some work, and it's gonna cost a pretty penny since it's such a geezer. I don't know, maybe you could get lucky and find some parts in the junkyard or something." He shrugged. "Maybe it's time to let it go."

His eyes were dimmer at those words, and my heart skipped a few more thuds. It wasn't just the truck he was talking about. But I couldn't accept that, that he actually wanted me to tell him to hit the road, hit it hard and never look back. But I never really knew with Jacob.

He must've sensed my sadness, because he bumped his shoulder against me – gently, careful not to send me careening into the ground. Help me if I ever met a speck of dust that did me damage, Edward would decimate it. He was exceptionally over protective.

"It's not that big of a deal, Bella, really." I shook my head. He didn't understand. "You said you needed to go to the Thriftway? Maybe you shouldn't drive your truck. Want me to take you?"

I nodded feebly. The news of my truck had my stomach knotted into oblivion. Goodbye old friend, I told myself internally. But what was I saying? It wasn't completely dead yet, it still had some life in it. I'd be able to manage in a couple of rides in it… if I was lucky.

Jacob nudged me again, this time towards his car. The rabbit was the same as I remembered, an exciting accomplishment of his time and energy, a product of his own two hands, sweat, and quite possibly, blood. Blood. I shuddered involuntarily. I can't deal with blood. Not well.

How ironic that I would become a vampire after I married Edward, when I couldn't stand the sight of blood, or the smell for that matter.

I climbed into the passenger seat. The car was warm from the drive from La Push. I adjusted myself into the seat and put on my seatbelt. Jacob slid in behind the wheel and followed suit with his seatbelt. He started up the car, and we were off.

It was a quiet drive. We were both lost in our own thoughts, slaves to our guilt and crazy emotions. Here I was, an engaged woman – engaged to a vampire, no less – hanging out with my best friend, the werewolf. The wolf that I had to say goodbye to, sometime. And it was approaching quickly.

He turned into the parking lot and put the car in park. We climbed out after he shut off the engine and walked into the store. I grabbed a shopping cart and pushed it, grateful to stretch out my legs.

I grabbed some things here, some there, and took the items to the register when we were done to pay for the goods. We packed up our loot and set off for Charlie's house again.

I felt guilty the entire time.


	4. Scared

**Chapter 4  
**"Scared"

When the chili was put together – ground beef, kidney beans, tomato juice, crushed tomatoes, green peppers and onions, chili powder and a dash of cayenne – I sat down at the small kitchen table next to Jacob. I could hear his stomach gurgle with hunger and was surprised that he hadn't said anything about it yet. Normally it was the butt of our jokes. Jacob could eat a horse out of house and home.

Now there was nothing to do but sit and wait. I smiled inwardly at myself. Wait to live, wait to die. Wait for an absolution that may or may not come. How Titanic of me.

Jacob's black eyes were on me, watching me. I felt myself shrink back a little, unable to bring myself to look back at him. The fingers of my right hand found the engagement ring on my left and twiddled with it idly. His eyes followed my hands, and he scowled. The ring was some sort of finality, an ending. And neither of us really knew what to do about it.

"So…" Jacob was the first to break the silence. He shifted his weight in the chair, and it groaned unhappily beneath him.

"So…." I repeated. I didn't entirely know what to say, but I was comforted by his presence. If only there was a way to slice me in half, to give Edward his piece of me and give Jacob some, too. But that wasn't possible and I was being silly.

"What's going on, Bella? Why did you call me, really? 'Cause we both know that it's not me you want, and you're just making this more difficult for both of us. I can't do it, Bella. I can't spend all these nights sleepless over you anymore. I know I said I'd be waiting in the wings, and I mean it. If anything happened to change your mind… I'd be there in an instant. But this… it's beyond torture. I feel like my heart's been ripped out of my chest, stomped on and shoved into a meat grinder."

I tensed. "I don't know, Jake. I just… I needed to spend some time with you, if only for one last time, if this is what this is. I love you, Jake, I really do. But I don't think it's how you want me to, and it's not enough for me, not when I have the love that I have for Edward."

He made a growling sound in the back of his throat. "Right. I'm sure that's it."

"It is, Jake. That's it. Take it or leave it because I don't have anything else to offer you."

His hands were so large on the table. "Should I really content myself with this little tiny sliver of you that I've been handed? I don't think I can, Bella. You're breaking my heart."

Tears sprang into my eyes. I knew it, I knew I was hurting him, and I was hurting myself, too. "Jake… I wish I could just crack into a couple of pieces and there'd be a part of me for you and a part for Edward. Maybe then this wouldn't be so difficult." The words I thought found a place in my mouth.

"I don't want just a piece of you, Bells, I want the whole package. And I'm sure your leech wants the same."

"Have you really resorted to calling him a leech again? I thought you were past that, Jake."

He shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not sure I'm above anything these days."

I eyed him carefully, unsure of what to say. Maybe it was a mistake, having him here. Maybe I should get him to go? "I don't understand."

"I'm sure." His fingers traced over the table top, twisting distracting invisible patterns. "It's like I've got this nagging voice in my head and it's telling me that it isn't right. You and Edward, I mean. It should be us, Bells. You and me, and we could have a couple of kids and make a life together, without any of the nasty stuff being with Cullen will bring you. You know what I mean." And his eyes were wide, staring at me with such intensity. I knew what he meant. Without losing my mortality.

But the thing was… Jacob wouldn't age, just the same as Edward. And if I chose, for whatever reason, to throw all to the wind and be with Jacob (which I knew would not happen), I'd age, year after year and become _old_ and unbearably wrinkled, while Jacob remained youthful and handsome. Not aging was part of his being a Werewolf, and I knew he couldn't control what happened to him beyond how he could control himself.

My mouth was dry. I pushed back against the table and stood up, ready to leave the room or at the very least, to tell Jacob that maybe it was time he went home. It really wasn't right having him there with me, alone. Not when I was engaged. Not when I was promised to Edward.

"Maybe you should go," I managed in a small voice.

"What? But I haven't eaten yet."

I couldn't help but smile. "You're predictable, you know that?"

"I do what I can, when I can. It's good to see you laugh, Bells."

I giggled a little. "It's not like I'm a zombie. I laugh. I smile. It's not like I'm dead."

"Not yet, at least." And Jacob was suddenly serious again, and it killed my buzz. He stood up and his bulk seemed to fill up the entire room. His eyes were empty, hollow and pained. "Please don't do it. Don't do it. You won't be the same."

"I'm not talking about this right now!" I said, more shrilly than I needed to, but the point needed to get across. I wasn't willing to talk about my mortality to Jacob. It was none of his business!

This was torture, pure torture. I was standing in a room with my best friend, a man who loved me and wanted me to love him back, not just in a friendly way, but romantically. And it wasn't something that I could just turn on and off, it wasn't something I could simply make myself do. But Charlie wanted me to, too.

A little condescending voice in the back of my head said, "If your father told you to jump off a cliff, would you?"

Well, I'd already jumped off a cliff, and I hadn't need provocation to do so.

"I think this is the best I can do, Jacob. And I don't really think I should."

"Maybe you're right." And his eyes glazed over and I realized just a little too late what he was doing.

Jacob grabbed my arm, his grip firm, but not crushing like I expected. He pulled me towards him, wrapped his arms around my back into a vice-like hug that I had no hope of escaping from. I squirmed, uncomfortable, but I knew it was no use. I wouldn't break free of this hold.

His face was staring down into mine, his lips parted, eyes lit like fireworks. He bent forward and pressed his lips against mine in a demanding, yet somehow tender kiss. He moved his mouth against mine, working my lips into a chapped frenzy, his tongue tracing over the part of my mouth and trying to explore it. I wanted to chomp down, give his tongue a good bite, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't take the chance of blood in my mouth.

The front door opened and Charlie walked in.


	5. In The End

**Chapter 5  
**"In The End"

Charlie cleared his throat. I could sense his excitement, taste it in the air. He was pleased that Jacob was here, first of all, but that Jacob was kissing me… maybe that was a good omen? He was grinning ear to eat, though I couldn't honestly see him that well because Jacob wouldn't let me go. "Well kids, don't stop on my account."

He shrugged out of his belt and hung it on the wall, loaded gun and all. Then he turned and walked up the stairway to change out of his uniform.

I struggled against Jacob, trying desperately to push him away, to wrestle free of the death grip he had on my body. His body was like a steel cage, completely unyielding. Nothing I did could make him release me. I was starting to panic.

My breath came in short huffing bursts, and I couldn't feel the hyperventilation setting in. I was getting over worked, over stressed, and my body was going to react as natural. My mind was whirring in my head, screaming, "Get off of me, Jacob, get off of me!" but the words couldn't come from my mouth.

He had my mouth crushed against his, and how I was even able to breathe, I didn't know.

"Bella…" he moaned against my mouth, his hands running through the loose hair hanging from the ponytail I'd put it up in. I wanted to scream, pull away screaming, run and dive into the arms of Edward. But I didn't want Edward to come back and beat Jacob up, into a pulp and to very edge of life. It wasn't worth it.

If he killed Jacob, that definitely killed the treaty, and there'd definitely be no going back. The Cullens would never be able to live in Forks again, or it would mean certain death. And Charlie lived in Forks. So if the Cullens couldn't come to Forks, and I was a part of the Cullen family, and I couldn't come back to visit my father… Panic hit me like a wall at 60mph.

Then he paused. His body wasn't tense, like it should've been, knowing that he'd just done a wrong. He was forcing me into an embrace that I wanted no part of. I punched him with my fist, only hurting myself. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing that though. He squeezed me tighter against his chest.

"Tell me you love me, Bella."

"No!" I shrieked, hoping that Charlie would come down the stairs and to my rescue. He didn't, though. Maybe he thought we were playing some game. I didn't understand. I wanted to shout out to him, cry and kick and scream… but I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to it.

His eyes were burning, the deep window to his soul wide open for me to see. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. I just stared, my lips on fire from the force of his kiss, my legs weak. My face felt flushed. I probably looked like a mess.

Jacob stared harder at me. His face was set, serious. "Bella. Just tell me you love me. That's all I need from you." My neck burned the way it often did when I felt like someone was watching that shouldn't be.I felt tears springing from my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. "I love you, Jacob. I love you."

"I love you, Bells." And he pressed his lips against mine again, and this time, I didn't fight it. What was the point? I couldn't have gotten away, even if I'd tried.

When he finally let me go, I was breathless and hot, my hair a wicked mess from his hands pulling through it. My lips hurt, and my eyes stung with tears. I dropped to the kitchen floor and cried, not caring that Jacob was there, staring quietly at me with some kind of loathing in his eyes – whether it was directed at me or purely internal, I didn't know, but it hurt me even more.

My body shook convulsively, moving with the sadness that engulfed me entirely. And when I spoke, my voice was barely above a whisper. "Get. Out."

Jacob stared at me, looking down at me on the floor with the strangest expression on his face. A mixture of hurt, of anger, of passion. I wanted so much to be able to hurt him, it boiled itself in my blood stream. I wanted to hurt him, hurt him like he'd just hurt me. My head pounded, my heart thudded, though I wasn't sure how. There were so many holes in it, I truly felt like swiss cheese.

But what's another hole? I already had plenty. Pretty soon there would be nothing of me left.

My crying wasn't loud, just a soft self-absorbed sob that Charlie couldn't hear in the upstairs bedroom. I wanted him to come down and find me on the floor. What would he do then? Surely he wouldn't paint Jacob as the good guy anymore. Edward would never do that to me.

But he already had, in a different way. It wasn't altogether the same.

But was it that different, either?

I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the thoughts. Everything was starting to look dark, foreboding. My soundless sobs shook me to the core, and Jacob simply watched me, his mouth forming a soft "o" like he wanted to say something, but he didn't speak. Maybe he was afraid.

"Bells," Jacob said, reaching down to help me back up. I shied away from his hand, and his face looked hurt. His eyebrows were kneaded together into a thick line. My heart sank deeper into my throat. Even after he'd just hurt me, quite literally tore my heart out, I felt guilty for hurting him.

Would my pain never end?

Effortlessly, Jacob pulled me off of the floor and held me back up against his chest. I cried against his shoulder, wanting to push him away, punch him, kick him, anything. Anything to get him away from me. But I wanted to be there, with my head on his shoulder, and I couldn't quite place why.

Jacob's hands were more careful now, rubbing long strokes down my back, trying to comfort me, to calm me down. It worked, and after a couple of hiccups, I was able to stop crying. I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.

"I should go."

"…You haven't eaten yet," I said. Jacob smiled down at me. It wasn't his usual, easy, happy going smile, though. It was sad, pained. Just like me.

"It's alright. I need to get some air. I need to clear my head."

"You're right, Jake. You should go then." My knees still felt weak, and I couldn't trust myself to stand on my own. I grabbed the chair and lowered myself into it after I pulled away from Jake. He let me go with no hesitations.

Jacob flashed me one last longing look and turned around. Then he was gone. And a fresh wave of tears rolled over me.

I sat at the small table for a long while, my mind reeling. I still wanted Jacob. And more than anything, I wanted Edward. And life was proving to be far more difficult than I needed.

I stirred the chili, my appetite absolutely demolished. The smell of the foot hurt my stomach and I felt like I was going to be sick. I turned the head on low and trudged up the stairs to tell Charlie that the food was done.

He answered with a grunt from his bedroom, obviously having noticed Jacob's departure, and more than likely, my sullen tone. I felt detached from my body, like what was happening wasn't really. And that I was just some kind of floating entity, and that made me wonder – if there were Werewolves and Vampires, couldn't there be other things out there? Ghosts? I felt like a ghost.

The silent confines of my room welcomed me wordlessly, and I was glad to have the silence. I was glad to have the time alone. I walked – carefully – to my bed and lowered myself on it.

Maybe I should put music on, I thought. My mind went to the CD of compositions that Edward put together for me. But I didn't have the strength to lean over and turn it on. How pathetic.

Exhausted, I laid my head back onto the pillow, ready to fall into the oblivion of sleep. Something crunched beneath my head and, confused, I sat back up. There was a piece of paper laid on the pillow, blending in with the pillow case. I hadn't seen it.

There was an instant tightening in my chest. No. This couldn't be happening again.

My hands were shaking when I grabbed the folded paper. I didn't know if I wanted to see what was written inside, what the words were. There were two roads. Road one, some kind of happiness, some kind of joy. Road two led to pain. Blinding pain.

And somewhere in my heart, I knew it would be pain.

I held the letter in my hands, shaking. How could this day honestly get any worse? I was already torn into a million pieces, and if this letter was some kind of goodbye, another way of Edward leaving me, I would be lit on fire and like a vampire, I would be no more.

I unfolded it. And Edward's elegant scrawling script stared back at me.

_Bella,_

_I can't do this to you. I don't want to be the one to cause you heartache and suffering, especially when it comes from your own family. I know I promised that I would never leave you, never again… but this time, I truly believe it's necessary._

_I don't want to make you a monster, Bella. I've never wanted that for you. And Jacob can give you all that I can't. He can give you warmth and life, and someday, Bella, he can give you children. I want that for you. You'd be the most perfect mother._

_Life will be unbearable without you, Bella, but I'll do it. If I can do anything for you, Bella, it's being able to let you go. After all, when you love someone, you've got to let them go sometimes._

_You're my heart, the reason for my existence. Somehow I knew this day would come, though. It seems inevitable, doesn't it? That all good things must come to an end. Know that I'm doing this for you. I don't want to ruin your relationship with your family. I respect Charlie too much. After all, he brought you into the world. And you saved me._

_I love you, Bella, and I'll always carry you with me, no matter where it is I go, wherever it is that I am. Know that I'm always with you, too._

_Please keep my mother's ring. Keep it safe with you._

_I love you. You have my heart, forever._

_Edward_

And my world broke into pieces as the air I tried to hold in left my lungs entirely. Everything faded to black, and I noted vaguely that the floor really wasn't as hard as it looked.


	6. I'm So Sick

**Chapter 6  
**"I'm So Sick"

**Edward**

I wasn't being fair. Not to Bella, not to myself. And as much as it hurt me to let her go, I needed to. For once and for all, I needed to give my goodbyes to Bella. I knew last night, when Alice's vision washed over my mind. We made the best of last night, and that was that. It was time for me to move on.

If I had a heart, it was shattered. I suddenly wished there was an easier way to die than to give myself to the Volturi. I couldn't go to the Volturi, never again. If I went to them, they'd know I never changed Bella, never made her into a monster. They'd come for her, I was certain.

I wished I were mortal, a normal human man with human worries rather than supernatural. Then I could be with Bella, and Charlie would accept me, see me as a good fit for his daughter. I wouldn't be strange or able to read the thoughts of those around me. How silence would feel! It's been so long since I've had actual silence.

My mind was like a radio, broken and unable to go off.

I wanted to see Bella, to tell her to her face that this had to end. I couldn't keep dragging her down, holding her back. I wanted her to have a normal life. Well, as normal as Bella could achieve, anyway.

I fought back the sorrow that consumed me, knowing that if I succumbed before I could give my goodbye, I'd be done for. Leaving an not giving her a reason why again would simply break her fragile human spirit, and I couldn't have that on my conscience. I've already hurt her so often, as unintentional as it was, over the years. Through my negligence I led her into the lap of a killer who nearly took her life. I left her once and it shattered her. But if Alice had just let it go, like I asked, Bella would be with Jacob right now, and he probably never would have turned into a Werewolf. He'd be human, like her, and they could live a normal, human existence together.

My jealousy raged. Jacob. What I wouldn't give to be human like Jacob. And though I regarded Jacob as highly as I could, it sickened me, the thought of simply handing Bella to him. Like she were a trophy. Something to be prized and dusted, put on a shelf and only stared at. But Bella wasn't a good judge of what was or wasn't good for her.

Jacob was good for her. I am not. And Jacob has proven, on more than one occasion, that he is capable enough of saving Bella from herself. That was all I could ask of him.

I set off on foot to Charlie's house, relishing the run, the freeness of it. I didn't intend to stay at Charlie's long, and I had everything I needed packed up and ready to go as soon as I was back to the house. Everyone else was ready to leave, too. We had no more ties to Forks once I severed my relationship with the only thing that really kept us here. Bella…

If I had a heart, it would be beating very erratically.

I could see her face in my head, her wide, brown eyes that I often lost myself in. I could see her soft, almost translucent skin, and the pools of blood that formed a beautiful blush across her cheeks when she was embarrassed or upset. I could smell her, feel it wrap around me, suffocating my senses. It brought the familiar blazing ache to my throat, the thirst that I fought so hard to control. It was a thirst that I would never give into.

Her skin was so soft and blazing warm. My own skin burned from the memories, ones of touching her soft face, or pressing my lips against hers. I could taste her on my tongue. Floral. Delicious.

How was I going to say goodbye? Anguish ripped at me.

The smell of dog hit me like a brick wall. So Jacob was at Charlie's. Green-eyed jealousy reared it's angry head. But that was good. She could get over me. I knew Jacob would always be waiting, waiting for me to mess up and for Bella to realize what she had missed in him. I wanted desperately for her to fall in love with him, to forget all about me, just as much as I wanted to hold her close and never let her go again.

I wish I were human.

I didn't walk inside the house, not wanting to show my face and admit my cowardice. Especially not with Jacob there, where he could gloat in my face. In my head.

_I love you, Bella. I don't want to give you up yet. Not yet. Please, not yet._ Jacob's voice was filling my head, his words pleading. I bit back my irritation and moved to look through the kitchen window, the place I knew they were at.

They were together, pulled into a passionate embrace that knocked the wind from my chest. I could see Jacob's hands moving over her back, through the hair pulled up off of her neck. I could see their mouths pressed together, and the tears that fell across Bella's sweet, pink tinted cheeks.

He pulled away from her then. "Tell me you love me, Bella."

I watched Bella, her face. The way she bit her lip through the tears. "I love you," she said. And I could feel my composure slipping. I was going to lose it.

I could imagine, in more ways than one, of Bella being with Jacob. I could imagine the being embraced with one another, loving, touching, kissing. But it was one thing seeing it in my mind's eye, or even through Jacob's head, and another one completely to see it before my very eyes. I wanted to jump through the window and throttle him, but I held myself back. This was what I wanted.

_We were meant to be together, Bella. You and me. Humans. Peas in a pod._

My mind went to Charlie. He was smug, happy seeing Jacob and his daughter together in the kitchen. She was coming to her senses, he concluded. What he'd said yesterday hit home with her. She knew she couldn't put all of her eggs in one basket, that she still had the opportunity to explore her options. And Jacob is a good match for her, he thought.

Charlie was right. Of course he was.

I couldn't give my goodbye to her face anymore. I knew I owed her that, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. So I would have to leave a note for her instead.

I jumped up and climbed through her bedroom window, as I'd done time and again. It was a usual habit of mine, sneaking into her room in the middle of the night to spend my sleepless nights with Bella. I had loved her from the very first moment I met her, the very first time I smelled her sweet, singing blood. I could deal with the ache, the ferocious thirst that accompanied spending time with her because I knew that we would love each other. Alice saw it before I did.

But as I'd told her before, she would never have to make the decision. I'd make it for her. And so it was made. I was giving her back, giving her back her humanity and her life, her family. I couldn't keep that all. It was just so selfish.

Her room was just as I remembered it. Cluttered but not unclean, and swimming in her perfume. Her sweet, rich perfume. It made my throat ache and if I was able to have tears, I would've shed them. I went to the desk with the ancient computer on top and pulled out a sheet of paper. I already knew what I would write.

My hand traced over the paper, spilling out the words of my heart. I had to do this. I had to. I had to say goodbye to my one and only love and live the rest of my existence in torture, in pure hell without her.

I had to be the strong one.

I folded the letter and placed it on her pillow, knowing that she would find it soon enough. Then I jumped back out of the bedroom window and streaked off without a backward glance. I would close my mind after this. I blocked out Jacob and his thoughts, not wanting to hear them. My stomach churned uneasily, a human feeling that I'd rarely experienced in all my vampire years, nearly a century.

I ran back to the house, my legs pumping as fast as they could, and I could see the green blur of the wood as I worked my way past them. Normally I would take in the beauty, suck in the joy and wonder of nature, but I felt nothing. Just the deep, hollow ache that filled every orfice, every nook and cranny of my being.

Somehow I was a burning man, and nothing mattered anymore. Not a single, damn thing.

Carlisle and Esme were waiting for me. Everyone else had already taken off, their possessions from the house packed into the many cars we owned. I decided to leave everything behind, but knew that Esme and Alice ciphered some things away for me. Clothing, no doubt. And maybe some of my music. But none of it mattered to me. I could walk around naked for all I knew, for all I cared. I was oblivious to my surroundings, giving myself into the ache.

I had my mind turned off, ignoring the hum of thoughts that passed through my parents heads. I couldn't hear their words to answer their mental questions. I could feel the blaze of indifference behind my eyes. I would put on a little show for them, not letting them know the pain that swept through me. I would never let them know.

"Come on, son." Carlisle reached for me, and I made no move to either accept or deny. "Let's go."

I climbed into the Volvo and let speed and oblivion envelope me as we set off, leaving our home, leaving Forks far behind us.


	7. City of Delusion

**Chapter 7  
**"City Of Delusion"

**  
**I wanted to die. How, when, where? They were all useless details that I didn't want to be bothered with, but one thing I was absolutely certain about. I didn't want to live anymore. There was, in all honesty, no point to it anymore. I'd already lived a lifespan of over 100 years, I'd seen my fair share of just about everything there is to see. And in those 100 years, I'd only been hit once by love, a love so strong and potent that nothing in this world mattered any longer. Nothing but Bella mattered.

And I let her go.

I felt as if my heart was being torn from my chest, that my insides were ripped away by a dull spoon with an aching slowness that left me mad. I could feel my sanity draining away, and I knew that what little there had been, was now wasted away in my innate madness.

Edward was no more. Edward left his heart with Bella, and this creature, whatever I am, this damnation some would call life, but what really isn't, is just a plague that I must escape from. Somehow. Somewhere.

I lost myself in speed, driving as fast as I could, weaving in and out of any traffic like a madman, wishing and hoping that somehow I could die from wrecking. Like Bella said once, turn myself into a Volvo pretzel around a tree. If only it could work. If only I could _die._

I understand being a monster, and I understand Carlisle's logic. I've never blamed him for creating me, for "saving" my life by bringing me into his family, but now… now I couldn't see past my blind anger. I was drowning, though I didn't even need to breathe.

Jacob deserved Bella. He could take much better care of her than I ever could, and could give her the things I never could, and all without having to take her mortality. She could stay human with him, and they could live happily ever after somehow. It would work out, I told myself. It had to. I had to believe that what I was doing for Bella was what was best for her, though it tore me apart to do so. I wanted to know that there was some part of the monster inside of me that was willing to save people.

Please, please, just let me die somehow.

My hands were gripped so tightly on the steering wheel that it groaned. I relaxed minimally, too tense to do much else. My world was colored red, angry and resentful and I felt as though whatever divine entity Carlisle believed in was laughing in my face.

My love, my life, my heart. I knew that leaving would break her spirit, but hoped that Jacob would piece it back together. At any rate, he would be there for her, to help her, to guide her, to save her when she undoubtedly would need saving. My jealous rage dimmed to my misery.

So I lost myself it whatever I could use to dim the pain. Speed, anger, regret. I was going to leave Bella forever, and I myself… I would make do. I had to. I had to save her from herself, and most of all, I had to save her from me.

I grabbed the CD case I kept beneath the seat and flipped through my selections until I found something fitting, shoved it into the player and closed my eyes, trying to lose something, some piece of my consciousness to let go of the pain. The music was soft, a single acoustic guitar and a man's voice, but the lyrics stuck with me and I lost it.

A single bloody tear ran from my eye.

There was too much to dwell on, too many scenarios that I could see in my mind's eye, things that were once, perhaps, bright in Alice's visions that would now certainly dim. She couldn't possibly see Bella becoming a monster, now. There wasn't any possible way. I'd said my final goodbyes to the love of my life, and I was going to leave her whole and human. And I was giving her to the best thing there was, next to myself. Jacob Black.

Of course, now, Alice couldn't see Bella with Jacob being so close – which worked well in my favor. I didn't want anyone to disturb her, to see into her future or to disrupt her every day, normal human life. I didn't want Alice to mettle anymore. My instructions didn't work well the last time I left her; Alice interfered, and though it saved me my own life, I was upset. I wouldn't let it happen this time around. Whatever happened to Bella happened through fate, not by our continued meddling.

I didn't want to think about her anymore…. And yet, I did. I wanted to lose myself in the memory of Bella, the way she fit in my arms, her too-warm body against my skin, her sweet fragrance. The darkness was starting to call my name.

I pulled up the drive and slammed the car into park, holding myself back from turning around and going back to her and the hurt I knew I'd caused. I truly am a monster.

A gentle knock sounded on the car window. I ignored it, continuing to grab the steering wheel with such a force that I split the soft rubber that coated it. Then, knowing I'd only damage it further, I climbed out of the car to Emmett's waiting face.

He stared at me, wide eyed. Then he frowned. I'd cut off my mental ties, wouldn't listen to the voice in his head. He didn't understand.

"You look sick."

"Do I? I wonder." I couldn't hide the venom in my voice.

"Hey, man. You don't have to do this. You can still change it. She'll forgive you."

"No. No, I have to. I can't. She won't."

"Why aren't you listening to my head?" Emmett's eyes bored through me.

I couldn't feel anything but the hurt and pain that I'd caused myself. I wanted to smack Emmett, simply for being there and talking to me, and I wanted to hug him for caring. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore.

"I'm not listening anymore. I won't listen anymore. It doesn't matter."

Emmett grunted. "It's easier!"

"I don't care, Emmett. I just don't care anymore. Nothing matters."

My mental shield was up, impenetrable, and I wasn't going to cave in enough to take it down, either. They'd all have to simply deal with it.

I turned away from my brother and walked into the house. It was large, historical, a place that Esme fixed up one time or another and it simply screamed grandeur. I paid it no attention. I had a room, and undoubtedly, it would be empty. My things, my belongings – I left most of them in Forks where they belonged, along with my heart, my being. If I'd had a soul, it was there, too.

I went to my room, seething, hurting, feeling more than I'd felt in a century. What pain such a young, naïve girl caused. She so readily took me into her arms, a monster, a slave of sunless days and rain and wet. But I'd give anything to be with her. Only, I didn't have anything I could give.

Nobody else would ever hold me like that, look me in the eyes. Yes, I'd met a fair share of women who _thought_ they would, but none knew my secrets – except, of course, Tanya from the Denali clan, but I felt nothing towards her, or any of the others, for that fact. What I wouldn't give to simply lose myself.

The room was empty, save for a simple leather couch against the back wall, and the racks that would hold my countless CD's and other random possessions, whatever entertained me at the time. The wide, elaborate windows were unshielded, blazing light into the light colored room. I pulled the shades down over them, casting the room into a kind-of twilight and threw myself onto the couch.

I decided that I wouldn't move from this room, I wouldn't do anything. I didn't have the energy, the want. What I wanted, I couldn't have. If I had to exist, I would do so on my own terms, not those set for me. I would be present for Esme, knowing it would break her heart if I set off on my own again, or if I tried to die somehow. I would be present for Alice, my favorite sister, whose love always came without price or conditions. But I wouldn't interact, or part from this room.

The sofa was soft, but it didn't matter. I couldn't make myself care.

Hunger? I couldn't make myself care about that either. Like Carlisle before me, I would force starvation upon myself. Maybe, somehow, death would come for me, though it eluded Carlisle. Maybe death could come in different ways for different creatures. Though we're much the same, we're still drastically different.

I laid there and wished that somehow death would come for me.

_Stay away from me  
Built a fortress and shield your beliefs  
Touch the divine  
As we fall in line  
Can I believe when I don't trust  
All your theories turn to dust  
I choose to hide  
From the All-Seeing Eye  
Destroy this City Of Delusions  
And break these walls down  
And I will avenge  
And justify my reasons  
With your blood_

**Notes:** First and foremost, I'd like to thank LittleCoward. Your continued words inspire me to keep writing, otherwise I would've stopped at chapter 6. Thanks for the reviews!

Also: The song that Edward was listening to? "Sympathy" by the Goo Goo Dolls. I think it's kind-of fitting.


	8. No Bravery

**Chapter 8  
**"No Bravery"

Thirst ripped at my tender throat. It burned and ached, consuming any piece of myself that I hadn't yet set aside for my wallowing despair. I knew my eyes would display my pain for all to see. Undoubtedly, they were black as dark on a moonless night, unfriendly and betraying. But yet, I didn't die. It only made me surlier, if such a thing could happen.

I didn't want to go hunt, to indulge in myself. My inner torture hurt my family, I knew. They begged and pleaded with me – especially Esme – to go out and satiate my thirst, fearing I would become unmanageable if I didn't do something about it soon. But I wouldn't budge. I couldn't. Somehow, I could feel the cold, and it consumed me.

They even brought me packages of blood, pigs blood bought from the butcher's. Esme brought them to my room and put them in the small compact refrigerator they purchased for my room. I ignored them, and the refrigerator soon filled. I was breaking her heart, and I couldn't bring myself to care.

Most of them visited me, tried to talk to me and straighten me out of my silent pain. Everyone except Alice. She hadn't set foot in my room, hadn't written me a note, hadn't bothered to tell the others to pass a message along to me. I wouldn't read any of their minds, and they were frustrated by it. I didn't care that Alice was upset with me. Undoubtedly, she missed Bella. I missed Bella. We all missed Bella.

But nothing would make me change my mind. I knew I'd made Bella suffer, so I was going to suffer in return.

My thirst kept me aware that I was still actually alive, somehow. I hadn't moved a single inch from my spot on the couch, determined to die in the shadows, wishing for whatever the afterlife would bring. I didn't know if Carlisle was right, if there was something more, something beyond our inhuman existence. That much was left to imagination, at least. And I had plenty of imagination.

I sat like solid rock upon the couch, silent and unyielding.

The days, the weeks passed by, all painfully slow and unbearable. The thirst clung to me like white on rice, but I wouldn't give in. I could feel myself slipping away, my conscious thought separating from the monster that I am.

Esme knocked on the bedroom door and stepped inside without waiting for an answer. She stared at me, her eyes round and wide, full of concern and sympathy. I didn't look at her. I couldn't. I knew I was breaking her heart too, but I didn't know if I wanted to make myself care.

"Edward," she said, her voice soft and motherly. I gave her no response. "Edward, I wish you would drink something. You're making yourself ill."

Again, I stayed silent. Esme sat down on the foot of the couch, staring down at me with her motherly eyes. Her hands reached out to touch me, but she thought twice about it, and withdrew. She wanted to fuss over me, but knew that I wouldn't pay her much attention.

"I came to tell you," she said, speaking low, not even a whisper. My sensitive ears could hear each word as clear as day. "Alice left us. Nobody knows where she's gone, not even Jasper, and he's worried sick. She left no note, gave no explanation. I'm so worried, Edward. It feels as though I've lost two of my children now, and my heart's breaking."

The painful numbness that enveloped me shook at Esme's words. Alice, gone? She hadn't visited me, said so much as a word. And I somehow knew that if I'd even tried to reach her mind, she would've blocked me out. What was this? She'd gone away?

Horror and sickness sank in. What was she doing? Where was she?

Bella.

It made sense, in it's own way. Alice was hiding from me, upset and angry at my stupid decision, and I couldn't entirely blame her. But now anger spread through me, fresh and fiery like a branding iron. Where else would she have gone, especially with leaving Jasper behind?

She deliberately defied my instructions in staying out of Bella's life, and now she was gone, and quite possibly back to the one place on Earth that I told her to stay away from. It stirred something in me, something I'd long since put to rest with the stone of my body. Sorrow from missing Bella's sweet, unpresuming face, anger from leaving her, hatred in myself for being a demon… they all meshed together, a combining force that was difficult to ignore.

But the thirst still ravaged my throat.

I sat up, despite my want to simply lay where I was, unmoving, unyielding. Esme watched me and she was frowning, clearly upset, but a sense of hope filled her eyes. It was the first time I'd moved in a little over a month.

"Edward," she started. I simply stared at her. "Be reasonable, now. We don't know if she went for Bella." How could she know what I was thinking? Then again, I thought, it probably wasn't that hard to figure out.

"That's not the point, Esme," I said, surprised that my voice did not crack – it was perfect, and like Bella once told me, rang like a bell. There was a bitter edge of anger in my words, though. "I asked her to stay out of it, to ignore her. Where else would she have gone?"

"I don't know," she confessed. She chewed on her bottom lip for a second, studying my hard face. "What should we do?"

I looked at her. "We will do nothing. I'm going to find Alice and bring her back." I didn't want to go back to Forks, but yet, I did. My head screamed at me, throwing arguments in my face that I pushed aside. I was wary, and anxious, a lethal combination. And I was thirsty.

"Perhaps we should get the family together and discuss this?"

She was trying to be logical, take the smart route. But I wasn't going to listen. I'd made up my mind about Bella, and I didn't want her to be involved with my family anymore. Not even Alice, who was her best friend. I couldn't do it. There were always chances, risks that didn't need to be taken.

"No. I'm leaving."

"When?"

"Right now."

And I walked out of the room without a backwards glance at my mother.

I sped towards Forks in my Volvo, my foot pressing the gas pedal to the floor in my anger. The thirst still ripped through me, but I ignored it. Maybe if I held it off long enough, I would surely die. That's how things worked with humans. Deprive them of food or water and they would perish. How could it be so different with my own kind?

My goal was to find Alice and bring her back, without disrupting Bella. I wanted her to have a wholly human life, without the threat and worry of becoming a monster. I realized that Alice saw it so clearly in her mind's eye, Bella becoming one of us… but I didn't want to believe it, I couldn't accept it, even though at one point, I was quite certain that I would make her like me. Then we would've been together forever. But that was then, and unfortunately, this was now.

Alice was going to have a lot of explaining to do.

If there'd been any trace of Alice being here – she'd taken the yellow Porsche I purchased for her – it was long gone. I knew that the Porsche would out-run my Volvo, and perhaps that was what she was betting on, herself. What she was thinking, I couldn't fathom. I still had my mind closed to those around me.

I didn't want to know what people were thinking.

The car sped me forward, taking me closer and closer to my destination. I hoped, somehow, that nobody would recognize my car, or even me sitting in the driver's seat. The news would spread like wildfire, and eventually reach Bella's ears. I wanted to keep myself away from her. If I could.

I drove on for hours and finally came within the outer limits of Forks. My mind was screaming at me to turn around, to just wait for Alice back at the home we now occupied, but I knew, simply _knew_ that she had to be back here. But I was hoping that I was wrong.

Alice is a very particular creature.

From habit, I followed the roads to the large manor we kept well concealed by the river and drove up the long drive to the house. Without us there, it felt empty and desolate. Surely no one would come there. I doubted if anyone wanted to.

The house itself was empty of "life" so to speak, but not of our possessions. Esme held on to the idea that we would come back to Forks, to resume our life there, but I knew otherwise. There was no coming back. Not until Bella was old and grown, and perhaps even dead. No one would remember us then.

I parked beside the house and got out of the car, my nose sniffing the air keenly to find Alice's scent. I couldn't sense anything.

I set off on foot into the wood, determined to find my sister. She had to be here somewhere.

I ran, fast and long and hard, wishing that somehow the air would squeeze from my lungs and there I would collapse, dead on the forest floor. Impossible as it was, it was a slightly comforting thought. Death. How odd that the undead would wish for death.

A faint breeze wafted by me, and I caught it then. Alice. The scent was old, barely clinging to the air, but it was there, nonetheless. I followed it, running harder and faster than before, pushing myself to the limits of my own abilities. And then I realized.

Indeed, she'd been here for Bella. Why? And for what reason? I stood in the forest, staring at Charlie's house, and for the first time in a long time, I opened my mind to the voices that would touch me.

Alice wasn't there. Of course, the trail was old and filtered, but I'd hoped, regardless. I couldn't hear her "voice" anywhere, even though I could stretch my mind out for miles. Whatever brought her there wasn't enough to keep her there, and for that reason alone, I felt somewhat relieved.

_Bella? Bella, what's wrong? Oh my god, what the hell's wrong with her?_

What? Jacob's mind was reeling, calling out in panic in a yell so loud it buzzed my ear drums. I didn't understand.

_Bella, wake up! Come on now, look at me. Open your eyes!"_

Nothing was discernable; I couldn't make anything out except for panic. I started to feel the panic, myself, even though I didn't have a clue what was going on. Bella! Was she hurt? Was she ill? What was happening to her?

The thirst ached in my throat when I thought of her, and it disgusted me.

Being completely selfish, I could jump up into her window and find out what was wrong, and bring her back into the monster's claws, into Death's waiting arms. But I was so thirsty, so sick with hunger, that I feared that I would lose control, and Bella would die. So I decided….

There was only one thing to do. I was going to let nature take its course, and whatever was going to happen to Bella would happen. It wouldn't be because I was here, that I had an impact in her life in whatever way, shape or form. I'd said my goodbyes and I meant it. So I was going to leave her in fate's hands, as much as it killed me to do so.

Alice was long forgotten in my mind as I ran back to the house and jumped into my waiting car. I started up the engine and sped off, hating myself, hating life, hating humanity, and hating fate. I hated that I wasn't strong enough to help Bella, to help her in whatever agony was ripping through her, whatever was hurting her. But Jacob was there. Jacob would always be there, and he would always be human and warm and wanting, which was more than I could say about myself.

Whatever was happening to Bella was a mystery to me, just jumbles of panic through another man's eyes. So I said another final goodbye with another bloody tear, and left Forks, once again, behind me.

_And I see no bravery  
In your eyes anymore  
Only sadness_


	9. Hello

**Chapter 9  
**"Hello"

**Bella**

I'd experienced this pain before, and while it wasn't something new, it still wasn't anything I'd ever imagined I'd feel again. It was insufferable, such a dry ache in my body that I was positive that I'd lost myself. I lost Bella, and I was sure that she'd never come back again. My heart, my body… it was worse now than swiss cheese. There were so many holes in myself that I could play connect the dots.

But humor was lost to me.

I could feel the bed beneath me, soft and warm from my body, but I still felt cold. I could hear a choked, weepy sound, and it annoyed me. But then I realized it was coming from me, and it only made things worse. I pulled my knees against my chest, feeling numb and empty, and buried my face against them. My tears spilled hot and fat through the fabric of my pants.

Why was life being so difficult? Why would Edward do this to me? My love, my life! I loved Edward more than my own life, I wanted to be with him forever and ever, despite anything that Charlie might have said to scare him away. I wanted to be in his arms, to kiss his face, to feel the cold steel of his body against mine. But he took that away from me… again.

I would forgive him in an instant, if only he would come back to me. But something about this… something about this time felt so certain and final. My heart shattered even more. I doubted it would ever be pieced back together.

Jacob was at my side, sitting in the rocking chair that he pulled up beside the bed, rocking back and forth slowly as he rubbed my leg, trying to comfort me. I didn't want him here with me, but I didn't have the heart to tell him to go away. His eyes looked haunted, hurt and betrayed in some way. His hands felt tense, though warm. Even though I was in pain, I wanted his pain to go away.

That only upset me more.

"Bella," he said, his voice so soft and careful, nothing like the forcefulness from earlier. "Bella, please, you're going to be fine. I'm here. It's okay."

I wanted to say, "It's not! It's not okay! It'll never be okay!" but the words wouldn't come. My throat wouldn't open, wouldn't work. It was as dry as Arizona in summer. Instead of talking, I cried harder.

Jacob squeezed my leg with his large hand. "Bells. He's an idiot. He's so stupid." Was he trying to comfort me, or just reassuring himself? "It's not worth beating yourself up over. We got through it before, Bella, we can do it again! Don't give into it. Don't lose yourself like that again, I can't see you like that."

I didn't want to become the zombie I had before. I didn't want to spend my life just barely existing – doing what others wanted of me, suffering all the while. Instead, I wanted to die. I wanted to bury myself into a large hole in Charlie's small yard and call it good. But I knew that Jacob, or Charlie for that matter, wouldn't let me go. I was no good for them, yet they still wouldn't let me have my own way.

I could understand Edward wanting me to be safe, that he thought he was a monster and that by being with me, he was putting me in grave danger. I understood all of that. What I couldn't understand was, if he was such a demon, such a monster… why would he propose to me? Why would he want me for his wife, give me a beautiful ring, and then simply disappear? Without so much as a goodbye to my face.

The letter in my hand was pitifully shriveled, crumpled up from being read time and again. There were tear stains smudging some of the words.

Charlie found me in my room a couple of hours after I found the note, eyes wild, hair a mess. He called Jacob to come and sit with me. It was thoughtful, but not helping. Jacob was keeping me from doing what I wanted to do.

I wanted to find Edward. I wanted to jump in my truck and take off after them, search down the whole Cullen family and demand my answers. Honestly, I couldn't scare a fly, but the anger and rage that soaked through me was strong enough that I could manage an honest glare. My heart hurt, my body hurt. My eyes hurt from crying, and I was out of tears, but I couldn't stop myself.

How could he _do_ this to me? I wanted answers, much more than what the feeble letter gave me. I wanted to be held by Edward again. I wanted Edward to help me through this, not Jacob.

I felt sick to my stomach. It was knotted beyond words, and my throat was thick and dry. At any moment, I might lose it and vomit all over the floor. It disgusted me, but I knew it was there, at the back of my throat. The littlest provocation would bring it up. I wanted to crawl behind the covers and never come out again.

What was so wrong with me that Edward needed to go away? Why didn't they want me anymore?

I didn't care about the Volturi, about their promise to come find me when the time came. I knew that they wouldn't be able to find me, thanks to my abnormal head. They couldn't track me down because they couldn't get into my mind like they could anybody else. I cared that they might get the Cullens, though. But obviously that didn't matter to them.

What _did_ matter to them, I wondered.

My crying sapped my strength, and I fell asleep.

*****

There were voices, soft and concerned, outside of my bedroom. I could hear them rather clearly, though I was sure I was still partly asleep. It was my father and Jacob, talking to one another, talking about me.

"How's she doing?" Charlie asked. I couldn't see them, but I was sure he was frowning.

"I don't know. It's like she wants to die or something. Edward messed her up real good."

Charlie let loose a swear word I'd not normally heard from him. "I knew that damn kid was trouble. Knew I didn't like him."

Jacob was silent for a minute. "I don't think he did it on purpose, honestly. He's doing what he thinks is best for her, it said so in his letter."

"Doesn't matter. No one hurts my daughter like that and gets away with it. If I see hide or hair of that kid, I'll slap him in cuffs so fast his head will spin for days."

More silence. Then Jacob sighed. "I don't want to leave her but I need to check on my dad."

Billy. I liked Billy.

"Go ahead. I'll be here."

"Okay. I'm sorry, Charlie."

Charlie grunted, then I heard footsteps, and the two of them were walking down the stairs, one following the other. I still felt sleepy, and the room looked hazy and strange. My body felt so weak and empty, probably from all of my crying. It didn't matter. I welcomed the weakness.

I'd been so sad and broken for days… for weeks, for a month. I barely ate, barely moved out of the bed. Jacob said my face was sallow, my body thinning out. I felt sick, so sick. So sick and broken.

Jacob left the house – I heard the front door swing shut. I heard tires pulling out of the driveway, and the hum of the engine as he drove off. I heard the TV roar with the sound of a sports game.

And then I heard something I never expected. My window slid open. There was a soft rustle as the curtains were shoved aside, and the softest of thuds as feet touched the floor. But I couldn't – wouldn't – turn to see who it was that entered my room.

"Bella?" Alice? Her voice was so soft, confused, hurt. My heart twisted in even more agony. How could Alice leave me? My very best of friends, I could trust her with everything, with anything!

"Alice?" Her name came from my mouth in a hoarse whisper. Why had she come back? And why did her voice sound so distant?

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm sorry Edward is being so stupid right now. And I'm sorry I have to do this to you."

"Do what?" I could feel a strange sense of unease spreading over me. Why were her words so cryptic and odd?

She came around to the bed and looked down at me, her face the perfect picture of an angel, small and dark and beautiful. It made my heart ache, thinking about her, thinking about Edward. Her face was impassive and stony, which made it all the more beautiful. Her eyes were liquid topaz and I knew those were the eyes of having just eaten. She was full.

Alice sat on the bed beside me, placing her cold, small hands on my face. The sleep was still thick in my eyes, and she looked hazy, even close beside me. It didn't diminish her beauty, but rather, added to it. A pale faced angel in the darkness.

"I'm here to save you and to save my family, Bella."

"What do you mean, Alice?" That cold fear reared its angry head again.

"Please, Bella. It's the only way."

"What's the only way? What are you talking about, Alice? Where's Edward? Is he coming back for me?" Hope sprung forth in my chest, nearly knocking out the sleepy haze. "Where is he? Out the window?" For the first time in a long time, I wanted to get out of bed and run to the window, to check and see if Edward was standing on the ground, waiting for me. But Alice was holding me down, her hands gentle but firm.

She shook her head at me, biting her thin lips. "Stay still, Bella. I'm so sorry. I hope I can stop myself."

"Wha –"

But I couldn't finish the word. Alice bent forward and placed her lips on the side of my throat. I felt a whisper soft kiss against my flesh from her frosty touch, and then… the pain.

Her teeth ripped through the skin of my throat and agony pierced through me. It branded me like a hot iron, coursing through my veins. I wanted to writhe and scream with my pain, but found that I couldn't move, couldn't scream. I was so taken by surprise.

I could hear the wet slosh of her sucking at my neck. Alice was drinking my blood, and I didn't know if she would be able to stop. Edward told me once, once one of their kind tasted human blood, it was so terribly difficult for them to stop. And Alice's own words sprang through my head. She knew the mechanics, but hadn't practiced them before. Would she be able to stop?

Panic and pain, how they come hand in hand was beyond me. The pain immobilized me, took over my senses completely. I barely noticed that her lips were no longer on my neck, that her hands were no longer holding me down against the bed, that she was no longer there beside me on the bed. I couldn't see, couldn't hear, couldn't think. All I could do was brace myself against the never-ending agony and pain from the bite.

So this is what it felt like to die? I'd been bitten once before, by James the nomad Vampire. And I feared then that I would be changed, that James' venom would spread through my veins and I would somehow, forevermore be connected to the monster that left me with sleepless nights on more than one occasion. But Edward was there. Edward, my savior. Edward sucked the venom from my veins and I was left human. So bittersweet.

There was no one to suck the venom from Alice's bite for me, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted anyone to. This was what I'd wanted, for so long. I wanted the change, to become one of the Cullen's, but I had to admit that I'd always pictured my death, my change, at the hands of Edward.

I was alone, alone in my agony, in my pain. I became lost in the pain, lost to the darkness that would be my impending death. There were no conscious thoughts in my mind, only the knowledge that I didn't know how long this burning would take, or if I would be able to stop myself when I awoke from killing my father.

_Has no one told you she's not breathing?  
Hello, I'm your mind  
Giving you someone to talk to_


	10. Thoughts of a Dying Athiest

**Chapter 10**  
"Thoughts of a Dying Atheist"

**Edward**

I kept my mind open, waiting to touch Alice's voice, unwilling to relent to the thirst that ravaged my increasingly weak body. I drove as quickly as possible, speeding back towards my family, eager to get out of Forks and away from the pull of Bella Swan. Nothing I'd ever faced was more difficult than leaving my heart behind me. I knew my soul was cracked into multiple fragments, but it really didn't matter anymore. The only thing that concerned me was finding Alice and giving her a piece of my mind.

It was when I was three miles away from the house that I sensed them. My hands instantly tense on the steering wheel as panic flooded through me. Not this, not now. I couldn't face them. I couldn't bring myself to bring this down on my family, though I knew that _they_ knew what would happen if they stayed with me.

The Volturi were waiting for me.

I pulled the car to the side of the road and climbed out. I was weak, so weak. The thirst had robbed me of my strength, and the run I'd taken that afternoon while searching for Alice only compounded it. I needed to hunt, and I needed to hunt now.

I ran into the depths of the woods and let my self control go. I let my mind reach outward, touching on the consciousness of whatever surrounded me, searching for something that would give me sustenance. I could feel the pull of my mind and I crouched, knowing that a meal was just around the bend.

The breeze carried the scent of the large buck I hunted and while it wasn't exactly mouthwatering – it wasn't human, for which I was grateful – but I was so thirsty, having let myself go for so long, that I lunged after it without thinking much about it. The creature didn't have a chance to run before I rammed myself against it, tearing into its neck with my teeth. I drained the deer in less than a minute.

While I could feel the hunger ebbing, it wasn't enough. I had to hunt more.

I let my consciousness go again and gave myself to the hunt. My body tensed into a hunting crouch, and I sniffed at the air. The wood was teaming with life, with plants both healthy and dead, with bugs and small game that didn't interest me in the least. I could smell the thick, fermenting smell of rotting wood, the dampness of the moss that overtook the fallen logs.

My anger was unrelenting and more forceful now than I'd ever experienced. Alice clearly defied my wishes and went back to Forks, most likely to find Bella and interrupt her life somehow. For what reason, I didn't understand, but I knew she'd been there. I'd come across her smell.

And now the Volturi were waiting for me. I hadn't yet touched on my family's minds, but something told me they were still alive, somehow. Maybe Aro's relentless fascination with trophies was keeping them alive while they waited for Alice and I to arrive.

Little did they know that Alice wasn't with me, nor was I with Alice.

I caught the scent of another deer and ran after it. I caught it and drained it from the large artery in its neck and, fully satiated, I decided that I had enough in me to challenge the Volturi.

Maybe now I would get my chance to die. It was a selfish decision, I knew, considering how it would undoubtedly leave my family in harm's way, but I knew myself to be a selfish creature. We all were, to some extent. But maybe some piece of me, deeply rooted and sheltered, didn't want to die. If I was so willing to go to death's arms, why had I hunted? In my starved state, I couldn't have put up a fight against Demitri, and he surely would have killed me.

But this wasn't about just me anymore. I had my family to think about; Carlisle, and his patience and love, my "creator" of sorts. Esme, my mother, with her gentle and caring heart. Rosalie and her selfishness though I loved her all the same. Emmett and his optimism, despite whatever challenge was thrown his way. And lastly, but not least, Jasper, and his calm demeanor. I wasn't thinking entirely of Alice, because she wasn't there and in harm's way. But she was still in the back of my mind. I couldn't forgive her at that point for interfering in Bella's life.

I climbed back into the car and headed towards the house and the waiting Volturi.

Aro, Marcus and Caius were there, of course, as were quite a few of their henchmen. Demitri and his superb tracking talents was among the many. Perhaps we could take them, if luck was on our side. If it wasn't, I'd find a way. I'm easily the type who would self sacrifice.

The scent of them was overbearing. They had the sweetness of a vampire, what lures in human prey the easiest. It enticed them, drawing on their senses to trick them into false security. Mixed with that sweetness was the rusty copper smell of blood. Human blood. It made the back of my throat ache, though I'd just glutted myself on two helpless animals. It didn't matter, though. Human blood would always draw that reaction from me.

Unfortunately, the smell grew stronger and stronger as I approached the house. I could hear them now, my family. Their voices were loud and clear in my head and it was as if I had never tuned them out in the first place.

_Alice… Edward. Where are you? Please, let them be safe. Please._ Esme's voice was the first.

_Outnumbered. That's alright. I'll take the big one, Demitri. Might as well make it fun if I'm not sure the outcome. Come and get it! You know you want it!_ Emmett's voice was a myrad of fighting scenarios and maneuvers. I drank them in as I picked through his words.

Carlisle's mind was calm, the eye in the storm. _Perhaps… _And he was thinking of ways to calm down the Volturi, to buy more time. He wanted to know if they'd found myself and Alice, and if that was the reason why Alice had left in the first place.

_Could kill him! Edward did this to us, he's destroyed us! I'm going to KILL him if I ever get to see him again. How dare he?_ Rosalie screamed, lashing out insult after insult. I was taken aback by her ferocity.

Last was Jasper's voice, filled with hurt and pain and anger. He was sad that Alice wasn't there beside him, worried where she would be and if she had come into harm's way. He wanted to keep her away from the Volturi, and would do so at whatever cost came to him.

As fast as the car would go, I plowed my way up the drive and threw it into park before it had completely slowed down. I climbed out of the car and into my waiting doom.

They were waiting.

My family and the Volturi were circled on the front lawn, a large area secluded by trees from prying eyes. In the middle of the circle stood Aro who had with his fingers steepled together to form a small triangle. He was smiling his sick, twisted version of a smile, knowing that some way, somehow, he would bring an end to Carlisle's coven that he so "secretly" despised. His curiosity was a hidden plague.

They were all staring at me, watching wide eyed as I stomped to the circle to stand between Carlisle and Emmett. I could feel my family's internal sighs of relief that I was still somehow alive, but their worry at Alice being gone still. It upset them, and that, in turn, upset me. Aro was furious. He hid it well.

"Well well! Look who we have here!" Aro smiled wider, finding a way out of his anger. He would be able to kill me, along with Carlisle, or he could somehow finagle me into his twisted version of a coven. "Edward! And I was so afraid I wouldn't see you this afternoon. How are you? And where is young Alice? Is she not with you?"

I shook my head. There was no way that sick bastard would get answers from me. But I wouldn't display my anger for him. I wouldn't make it any more amusing than it already was to him.

"Oh, come now. You must know something! If you would, please…" He held out his hand, palm facing upwards, waiting for my touch. I steeled myself and hid the anger from my mind, stepped forward, and reached out to him. Our hands touched. Through his mind, I could see my own thoughts, feel my own pain.

The pain flooded back, nearly knocking me off of my feet. I could see Bella held in Jacob's arms again, reciting her love, and kissing his mouth. I could see my hand moving swiftly across that small piece of paper, sitting at Bella's small desk, and the pain I felt in my head and heart at the words and their meaning. Then I felt the hunger, the burning ache of thirst and the shallow pit of darkness that was my life as I stewed, alone, hunkered down on the couch in my bedroom. Also were the recent memories of trying to find Alice, the faint waft of her scent and Bella's screams of agony through Jacob's eyes, along with his worried calls to her.

Aro pulled away, unsmiling. His eyes seemed resentful, hard. I wanted to smack him.

"What an odd life you live. All of this, and for a human! So much pain. I warned you about this, young Edward! And I gave you a decision to make, did I not? Do you remember?"

I simply nodded. Caius stepped forward, his long white hair swaying slightly behind me. His face was a deep scowl. Two henchmen moved with him, flocking him at either side. When he was standing beside Aro, the henchmen separated, and one went to stand on the opposite side of Aro, protecting and shielding him against me.

Aro smiled his sick little smile again. "And you remember, I'm sure, what the options of that decision were?" I nodded again. His smile widened. "Oh, Edward. I have that you've made this decision for yourself. I really, truly hate to kill you and your family. It's such a terrible loss, don't you think?" He was staring at Caius now.

Caius's scowl deepened. "I think not! I told you this would happen, Aro, but you're such a fool."

"Now now, Caius. Edward here has made his decision out of love. How sad it is that we must find the girl and kill her, though. She really would be a great addition to our family." He wasn't thinking that they would kill her, though. I saw it plainly in his mind. They meant to kill us, then find Bella and turn her so she could join their family. My stomach knotted on itself.

"No, Aro. You won't."

"Hm?" He cocked an eyebrow at me, his powdery white face looking as though it would slide from the bone beneath. "Oh, silly me. I forget that you can see my mind." He feigned a little laugh.

"What?" Carlisle asked, his voice soft and low.

I looked at him. He was frowning, the small and barely visible (completely invisible to humans) crinkles at the corners of his eyes showing. "They mean to kill us and find Bella. They want to change her, not kill her."

_They can't do that!_ Carlisle said in his mind. _This is preposterous. What are they trying to do?_

"Simple," I said, "they're trying to destroy us to get to her."

_Great, just great. You're going to pay for this, you asshole! _Rosalie was shouting at me in her mind.

"Are we done with the pity party?" Caius asked, his voice hard and impatient. I found myself scowling and tensing into a crouch. My family did the same beside me.

"What now! I'm truly sorry about this, Carlisle." Aro frowned slightly.

"Unfortunately, Aro, you're not," I said. "And we're not going to go down without a fight. You won't touch Bella. My decision was to keep her away from this, to keep her away from you and your sick little games. You won't touch Bella." I was growling, a thick snarl building in my chest.

The Volturi guard was now all around Aro, Caius, and Marcus, who had walked forward and was standing beside his brothers. His face was set and stony, the perfect picture of boredom. Why he looked that way all the time, I couldn't fathom. I saw it in his head, though, his displeasure of having to serve with his "brothers," and his betrayal towards Aro from the death of his wife. It suddenly made sense.

Beside me, Emmett was tensed and ready for battle. The muscled bands of his arms were flexing dangerously, contracting and constricting in anticipation for a good fight. He was smiling, his teeth shining awkwardly against the sun. Nothing could hold him back.

I readied myself for the lunge, the glory of tearing at stony flesh with my hands, my teeth, when an unexpected sound caught my attention. I heard it before the others; the dull roar of a powerful engine, the squeal of tire against asphault, and a very powerful, whimsical voice.

_Wait, Edward, wait! Wait for me! Don't do anything stupid!_

Then the others noticed as the vehicle turned onto the long drive and started down. I was stunned silent, forced to straight back into a standing position. Alice put the car in park and climbed out.

Then the passenger side door slammed shut. My body went as stiff as a 100 year old sycamore.

Bella stared at me with wide, blistering red eyes.

_  
Well I know the moment's near  
And there's nothing I can do  
Look through a faithless sigh  
Are you afraid to die?  
And it scares the hell outta me  
And the end is all I can see._

**A/N: **A very super special thanks to everyone who has read this, listed it as their favorite, put it on alert, or commented. Your praise is so thoughtful and thankful. I appreciate it more than I can put it into words.


	11. Savior

**Chapter 11  
**"Savior"

**Bella**

I was surrounded by sharp, breathless pain. The fire spread through my veins, engulfing me in its heat. I wanted to scream and writhe, but found that it would be pointless. No one could understand this suffering, not unless they'd been through it before. The Cullens made mention that their strongest memory was that of changing. This was what they were talking about.

The darkness was not comforting. I wanted to shove back and away from it, but found I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't escape from the dark. I couldn't escape from the pain.

I was only vaguely aware that I was not completely alone. Beside me was the faint whisper of a voice – whether it was truly being spoken or not, I didn't know. "Bella," I'd heard the voices say. "Bella, please, open your eyes!" But I couldn't, I wouldn't. Nothing and nobody could make me.

Why was this happening to me? Why now, after all this time? After a month of not seeing Edward or his family, I'd all but figured they'd moved on, decided to finally go on without me as was the plan. So I couldn't fathom why Alice had come back for me, or why she'd decided to turn me. I didn't know whether I was happy or upset. I couldn't feel emotion, couldn't understand it. The pain was far too strong.

How much time passed? I couldn't be sure. The only markers of time I had were the endless hours of agonizing pain that soaked straight through to my bones. It felt like an eternity had gone by, and another, and another. Day or night, I didn't know, I didn't care. I wanted out of this hell.

And then, suddenly, I could feel some change. My limbs felt looser, less rigid and tense. I could feel the slowing of my heart, the quieting throb of blood rushing through my veins. I could feel the congealing of blood as my body started to cool. Then it was over; I felt my heart give one last, feeble beat, and found that I was no longer held back by my own personal, torturous hell. I was dead.

Well, not entirely. I was _undead._ I was a vampire.

The darkness faded away, and I found that I could move again. I forced myself to sit up, moving far too quickly than I was used to. It confused me. My eyes were open, and I could see my small, lightly blue room. It couldn't be, but it was.

So this was what it felt like to be a vampire.

I couldn't concentrate, though. I didn't care about the room, about the way my body moved far too quickly and gracefully for it to be Bella's body. There was no way I could be graceful or lithe, not like Alice. But somehow, I was. The thirst was starting to take over me, consuming and plaguing.

My throat burned as though someone had shoved a red hot branding iron down it. I was thirsty, so thirsty, and I was starting to feel sick because of it. I wanted, I needed to feed.

Then I sensed it. There was a loud thudding, the squashy pounding of an excited heart, sitting beside me in the small, bright room that once belonged to human Bella. Jacob. It was Jacob beside me, and the sound of his heart was so entirely appetizing, I couldn't help but stare.

A snarl escaped from my lips. Jacob backed away from me, wary and careful to keep his eyes locked on my face. Did he understand what was going through my head?

"Bella! Bella, don't do this. It's me, it's Jake. Your buddy, good ol' Jake. Remember me?"

I snarled again. There was a feverish knock on the door, followed by Charlie's concerned voice. "Is she awake? Jacob, what's going on! Let me in, why's the door locked? Don't make me break it down! I want to see my daughter!"

"No, Charlie!" Jacob answered, his voice rough and urgent. "Stay away. Unless you want to die, stay away!"

Charlie snarled back. "Is that a threat, Jacob Black? Let me see my daughter!"

I could hear Charlie's heart pounding in his chest, and found it wholly more satisfying than Jacob's. The smell of wet, dirty animal wafted towards me on a rare, stale breeze and I stiffened. That couldn't be Jacob, could it? Was that what Edward was always talking about? It didn't matter. I was so thirsty. I'd take what I could get. I got to my feet.

"Charlie, I'm telling you, you need to get out of the house, now!"

"JACOB! Let me see my daughter!"

"FINE!!!" Jacob, keeping his eyes on me, wrenched open the bedroom door to reveal Charlie standing behind it. Charlie's face was white as a sheet as he saw me.

I could only imagine what I looked like, but it didn't matter. His heart was pounding, excited and upset at the same time. The sound was entirely delicious.

I wanted it. I wanted him. I wanted his warm blood in my mouth.

I could feel a snarl coming from my throat again. Was that really me? It didn't feel like me, or like something I would do. But I was a vampire, and vampires are different from humans, or so they tell me.

"Jacob, what's wrong with her? Her eyes… what's wrong with her eyes..?" Charlie's voice was hesitant now, scared. I was scaring my father. I wanted to eat my father.

"Charlie," Jacob said, his voice very low and gentle. He was going to tell my father. "Charlie, you need to get out of here, I'm telling you, it's not safe. Bella's not Bella anymore."

"What happened to her?" There was pain and agony coloring Charlie's voice. I wanted to hug him, and then I could put my lips on the side of his neck, as Alice had done to me, and press my teeth into the thick, soft flesh there. I could almost feel the rush of blood in my mouth, and it made my throat ache even more, if it were possible.

Jacob kept his eyes on me. "She's different. She's a vampire, Charlie."

Silence. "What?" Charlie's voice was still pasty and it looked as though he'd never get his color back. "What are you talking about?"

"She's going to try to kill you if you don't get out of here. You need to go. I'll take care of this, Charlie."

"I don't understand what's going on!"

"I don't have time to explain, Charlie, now get the hell out before she kills you!"

"What are you going to do that I can't do? She's my daughter, I have every right of being here!"

Jacob shook his head. "It's a long story and now's not exactly the right time for this. She's going to kill us if you don't get out of here." He started to shudder, a flash shined in his eye. I could feel my throat pounding, calling, controlling me. I needed to satiate my thirst.

There was a quick rustling as the curtains at my window wafted inwards by a sudden breeze. I could smell it before the others, could hear it. There was someone coming, someone trying to steal my meal. I snarled angrily and whipped around, crouched into a low defensive stance. What was happening to me?

Alice stared at me with her wide, innocent eyes. I straightened out of my stance and simply stared at her. I could hear Charlie's sharp intake of breath and could almost feel Jacob's angry scowl on the back of my neck.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I wanted to be back before you woke up."

"What the hell is going ON!" growled Charlie.

"Dad," I said. I stopped, taking a moment to marvel at the sound of my voice. It wasn't like me. It didn't sound like me. Surely it wasn't my voice. But somehow I knew that it was.

Alice was frowning. She was so pretty. "Charlie. Please. Please understand that this is important and perhaps it's best if you don't know more than what you need to know."

"I don't think so," he answered back. "I have every right to know what's going on with my daughter. A vampire? What the hell do you take me for? She's sick. I knew we should've taken her to the hospital!"

"Charlie, Bella is a vampire. I'm a vampire. My family… we're all vampires. And that's why I'm here. I need Bella's help, and right now, Bella needs me. Understand Charlie that she is stronger than the three of us put together right now, and if you're not very careful, you could be dead almost instantaneously."

"Vampires? What?" There was confusion in his voice now. I was angry, pissed at being talked over and about, though I was standing right there in the middle of the room.

Jacob's voice was next. "And I'm a Werewolf, Charlie."

The heartbeats in the room were pounding excitedly. My mouth was watering, and some other thing was happening, filling my mouth with something different than saliva. Venom? Was this vampire venom in my mouth? I wondered.

"I'm the tooth fairy! This is sick."

"Very sick," answered Jacob, solemnly.

"I'm taking Bella," Alice said. There was a ring of authority in her voice. "She needs to hunt, and I'm the only one who's capable of taking her to do it."

"The hell if you are!" Jacob said. "This isn't Bella anymore."

Alice's face was stony. "If you think that, Jacob, you're more deluded than I thought. Come on, Bella." Her small hand was beneath my elbow. Strange, it didn't feel cold as it normally had.

"Alice?" My voice still sounded strange to me.

"Yes?"

She led me by the elbow to the window, then jumped lithely from it. I stared down at her, dumbfounded. Did she really expect me to jump out after it? I was so thirsty, I couldn't think properly. What did she think I was, some supernatural being?

"Bella, you need to jump. Just like I did." I shook my head. "You're not going to get hurt. Come on." I gulped back a mouthful of venom and decided I'd do it. I'd jump. I poised myself at the window ledge and frowned. It was a father long ways down. Alice cheered me on, and with her help, I jumped out and down of the window.

"Great, Bella," she said. "Alright, get in the car. I know you're thirsty, but please, just do this for me."

"Where are we going?"

"I'm going to take you hunting… and then we're going back to Edward and the rest of my family. Our family." She smiled at me. "There's a problem, and we're going to fix it?"

"What kind of problem?" I wasn't sure if I wanted to know, but something in the tone of her voice made me wonder. My throat throbbed.

Her eyes were wide and innocent again. "Oh, you know. Just another visit from the Volturi." She waved her hand dismissively.

"What!?" I felt light headed, pained. The Volturi were back, and that meant one thing. They were back to destroy the Cullens because of me. It made sense, suddenly. That's why Alice came back to change me. "Where's Edward? I want to see Edward."

She frowned, her eyebrows knitting together on her small, lovely face. "I think he's back with the others." Her eyes went unfocused for a moment. "Yes, he's almost there. We need to hurry, Bella."

"Oh." I didn't know what to say. I sat down in the car beside Alice and frowned. Why did everything feel so different against my skin? And when we were going to hunt? I needed something to parch my aching throat.

"Normally I'd tell you to put your seatbelt on, but…" Her smile was soft and knowing. "How are you? How was it? I couldn't see, with Jacob being there. I wanted to stay with you, Bella, I really did. But I couldn't. Edward was coming back to look for me, and if he'd seen me there… It would've been bad." She nodded.

"Edward?" He was all I could think of, besides the thirst.

Alice continued on. "I saw the Volturi coming for us and knew they were going to try to destroy us. I couldn't do that, just sit there and wait for them to come so that they could kill us. And Edward has already been partially dead. He's dead inside for leaving you, Bella, but he only does what he thinks is best for you. I don't understand him entirely.

"And I decided, I was going to have to take matters into my own hands. So I left everyone at home, without a goodbye. Jasper didn't even know." If vampire eyes could be misty, hers would have been. "The only way to save our family was to have you join us, once and for all. Otherwise, Aro would have the Cullens killed, and he'd find a way to find you, Bella, and take you back to Volterra with them, regardless."

I swallowed the mouthful of venom. "What's going to happen?" I asked.

"I meant what I said earlier," she said, driving maniacally down the street. I didn't notice the speed, nor did I feel uncomfortable. "You're the strongest of all of us at this point, being newborn. We need you. They're not here to see reason or to negotiate. They've come seeking death and destruction, and I'm not going to let them have it. Not now, Bella. You belong with us, with Edward. Why he doesn't see that sometimes, I don't understand. I've told him time and time again what I see."

"Nobody bets against Alice," I said. She smiled.

Then she pulled the car up a long, deserted drive and roared up the lonely road. She put the car into park and climbed out, with me following.

"Are you ready for your first hunting lesson, Bella?"

I sighed. "As ready as I'll ever be, I guess."

_Until you've lived  
A thousand times  
Until you've seen the other side  
This is my chance  
Don't save me  
'Cause I don't care_

_*****_

**A/N: **Just a couple of quick words for those of you who have been following along with this story. I'm sorry this last chapter is rushed, but I needed to plug it out before… dun dun dun, I'm losing my computer access for a little while, and I'm unsure of how long it'll be before I can update again. I'm so sorry! I hate leaving everyone hanging, but I honestly don't have another choice in the matter.

Thanks to everyone for all the support. I hope that this will only be temporary, and that I'll have more posted for you soon!

Happy holidays to everyone. Take care.


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